it's all good.

Melanie

It’s fairly difficult to get these words out the way I want them to, and I don’t want to seem like I am bitter about anything because I’m not. It’s just something that I hope you will never see, but something I have to say or it’ll drive me crazy.

But I guess I never really acknowledged how much of an impact you’ve had on my life until recently. Even though we only knew each other for the better part of 3 years, you’re probably still the only one I am the most comfortable with. It feels funny because it’s been almost 2 years since the last time we met up, yet I’m still plagued by random thoughts of you. Even though they don’t appear very often, they can really get me down.

Sometimes I wish one day you would randomly start up a conversation with me, maybe. I guess I only started to think about this because my birthday was yesterday, and I was hoping maybe you would send me a text. But it never happened, and I shouldn’t have even expected anything at all. However, I wish that maybe we were still in any kind of contact at all. I know nothing about you except where you are, and even then I’m not sure if anything has changed. It makes me somewhat depressed that I am in this situation where we’re so separate.

There are so many things that I want to tell you even now, but I know if I got the chance they would be a jumbled mess as they left my mouth. That’s probably a great metaphor for how our relationship was. A jumbled mess. I was always at a loss of words during conversations even though I wanted nothing more than to say anything to you. Little bits here and there, miscommunication, no communication. It’s no wonder we seemed to always have some kind of problem, and it was always on me.

It probably sounds pathetic now, but you were the only person who knew about many of my problems. You were my best friend, and the only thing I regret is how much I took you for granted. I was so stupid, thinking that I could prevent something from being broken when it already was. I wish I could just vent my frustration somewhere, but I’m not sure where to start - or who to start with. You were the only one that made me feel like I was interesting, and you were the only one who would at least try to understand.

But all I really want to say is that I miss having you in my life. I wish I could have returned the favor, but all my efforts got me nowhere. You needed someone to be to you physically who you were to me mentally, and I just couldn’t be that person due to circumstances out of either of ours control. I hope that you have found someone who is physically always and willing to be there for you - something that was impossible for me to do.

WHY CAN’T I BE GOOD AT PUBSTOMPERS!?

Sometimes I feel like just relaxing and playing a fun, pubstomping game. However, whenever I play an Axe or Gondar, I just end up being really bad. I swear, I’m cursed to play everyone but pubstompers. I had my run with Ursa, but that only lasted a few games before I started to get shut down repeatedly.

It’s the same thing with SC2 as well. I can just never cheese. When I try to do it, it just fails horribly. I just don’t understand how one can pick a cheese hero and end up winning with relative ease.

Playing DotA2 has to be one of the most stressful things I will ever do. This is usually because I’m only decent at heroes that require some kind of smart decision making in order to be effective. It’s not like rolling my face along my keyboard will get me anywhere, as is the case with heroes like Rikimaru or Bloodseeker (both of which I suck with).

Having to work to win a game is probably more rewarding, but it’s also very frustrating at times.

Whatever, I’ll just keep playing the most fun hero in the game and hope I can carry somehow.

不老不死

Ageless immortality. What an interesting concept, no? I used to be under the impression that living forever would be a bad thing. But ageless immortality is something I can live with, hehe. :)

I haven’t really written an actual blog on this in such a long time. The last time was probably some time last school year. I can hardly believe it has really been a little more than a year and eleven months since I graduated from high school. Time really flies when you’re getting your ass handed to you in almost every class, right?

My first year was such an irritating time in my life - not that I didn’t enjoy it or anything. Riddled with high hopes and big disappointments, I’m surprised I didn’t just give up. I wasn’t failing any classes, butt I also wasn’t doing particularly well in any of them, either. I’m pretty sure that’s much worse than flat out failing. It gives me that promise of being able to do better next time, most of which were empty. Maybe it’s just my lack of motivation and general apathy toward anything and everything. That’s probably where my biggest problem is. I’ve tried so hard to care about school that I started not to anymore. I know I could do much better if I just sat down and took a few hours (or just one) out of my boring day. My slightly shorter-than-average attention span doesn’t really help me at all.

That’s probably as much as I’ll ever want to talk to about school.

My interests have really spread out in the past year. I honestly don’t even remember what I was doing before I got back into my weaboo obsessions. I think I’ve watched more anime in the last year than I ever have in my life before then. I’ve also gotten into music that I was originally indifferent to - mostly dubstep and other electronicas. Another strange thing is I’ve been listening to a lot of music in languages I don’t quite understand. Mostly Japanese, but pretty much everything else as well. In fact, I’m in the process of picking up Japanese. Not really sure why, but I think it’s a pretty cool, albeit also useless, language. I guess my weabooness is getting to a level that is becoming embarrassing, haha.

Something’s really wrong with me lately. I just can’t really get back into video games that I used to enjoy playing anymore. I guess old habits really do die hard, as I have maybe 5 or 6 unfinished games that are all probably half way done. One of them is Earthbound, which happens to be a game that I’ve tried to finish maybe three times, but never get around to ever doing it. Online gaming is becoming stale for me. The only game I actually play anymore is DotA2 and sometimes SC2. I had my run with D3, but my motivation to actually play that game anymore is diminishing. Maybe my interests will be reinvigorated when school ends and I’m stuck at home doing absolutely nothing.

I guess I would classify my love life as stagnant/borderline depressing. It’s probably because I’ve all but given up at this point. Maybe there are a few people that come to mind, but I’m not really interested in pursuing just to end up in an awkward situation where I don’t talk to them at all anymore/do whatever I can to never see them (the latter is surprisingly difficult sometimes). I rather keep people around because it’s usually more fun that way. Who knows, maybe someone will have me interested in getting my heart broken again.

Bleh, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I used to be such a (lack of word to describe how good I was) writer. I wasn’t amazing, but at least it was fun and words always seemed to flow out in a coherent fashion. I guess writing is still fun; I’m not sure why I do everything in my power to avoid doing so in school. It’s probably because I like to think writing is something one does on the side, and being forced to do so just defeats the purpose of expanding minds and promoting creativity. Let people be writers if they want to be because everyone else is totally missing out.

私は犬です

と

貴方を可愛いです

?????

I wish I was more motivated to do well in school.

like leaves in the fall, you don’t know who you’ll end up with when you hit the ground - even if you fall together